I administer torture with care and receive pain with the greatest sense of humility.
January 19, 2012 • 9:51 pm 0
January 14, 2012 • 2:21 pm 0
Self made movie marathon (what’s been accomplished thus far). Will be Editing/Re editing.
Day One
Midnight Cowboy
Persona
Me You and Everyone We Know
Un Chien Andalou
A Clockwork Orange
Day Two
The Acid House
Filed under: Blogroll
January 12, 2012 • 5:33 pm 0
All this energy, stress and confusion would be better spent otherwise. With eyes down and zoomed in on miniscule details, I have ignored the larger whole, again. Let’s use this moment to piece back together a sense of self. To possess a hatred of everything that exists requires a biased view towards external stimuli that is inherently neutral. If I see a sunset and think it looks like shit, then what awful tools I have at my disposal. Lately, the people in my life seem wondrous. What lovely thoughts and ideas. We share, reifying and situating the existence of the other reciprocally. Happiness feels like peace, a place where thoughts are not simply held in place, but their arrivals noticed, forms recognized.
Filed under: Blogroll , external stimuli, justification
January 5, 2012 • 2:39 pm 0
December 23, 2011 • 2:55 am 0
Stay posi, keep calm. Actually, please freak out right now because it’s well overdue. I realized I didn’t become anxious about my situation until today because I refused to vocalize it, as if doing so would make everything known to myself.
Filed under: Blogroll , money money money money
December 11, 2011 • 5:11 pm 0
Girls that look bright like cherubs, prototypical, catch my eyes from the other side of the room. Overdrawn throughout antiquity, frail outlines like these change places constantly. Its owner differs from one moment to the next, yet someone is always waiting to exploit one when it presents itself. She has lovely wide eyes, a doll frozen, blood rushing beneath the surface. Pale skin masks the flowing liquid, so my vision only sees what’s been left behind. What a lovely shade of pink.
He touches me with too much care, as if I will burst underneath his weight. I’d make a glorious mess, breaking into many pieces, a water balloon filled with passion, flooding his room. Thank God for tiny New York apartments. The four walls would fill quickly with my fluids, a mix of bile and blood, vaginal secretions and snot, everything all at once forming a homogenous mess. To die underneath him. To asphyxiate him, filling his lungs with my own phlegm, reaching into the tissues and membranes, lovely.
Attempts at polyamory have made me insatiable and self-conscious.
“What do you mean you ‘like’ someone?”
What do I have to offer? Why can’t all of the affection be for me, always? Only one way. I’m such a dick. And a tease. I’m so awfully in love that I can’t have him treat me like shit. Be delicate, you know?
November 6, 2011 • 10:02 pm 0
In between many men and interesting relationships. Play partners, “real” partners, friendships. My head is spinning with the complex mess I’ve worked myself in, although it’s not quite a problem yet, maybe one day soon. Then I’ll have to figure out who gets which sections of my partitioned feelings and thoughts. I wish more than anything ever that I could melt away the stubborn and give learned tricks a sequestering gaze.
Because I’m open and honest, because you enjoy yourself, because we’re better when the restrictions on our movements are lifted, because I can’t see five inches beyond this interaction, because you know what you think and it’s conflicting but you know where there are spots of truth.
Filed under: Blogroll , phone calls, phonetics
October 21, 2011 • 10:18 am 1
A mental, and hopefully therapeutic, exercise.
What you would say about me, most likely…
You tend to make things difficult on yourself by trying to force yourself to be around me when you really don’t want to. You’re too passionate. When you’re angry, you do ridiculous things that don’t solve the problem at all, and make me second guess being around you sometimes. There are a million things I don’t want to deal with concerning relationships, but those outbursts are number one.
To switch back, another exercise.
You will never be as honest with me as I would like, because you hold too much in and keep too many thoughts to yourself by nature. This irritates the fuck out of me because I want to know a person as wholly and completely as possible, because there are far too many barriers that one puts up during the day and in life and few people try to break through those. I like to strip a person naked emotionally, and maybe there’s some sadistic pleasure to be gained, but more so because it’s my glass slipper test. I’m waiting for someone to ask me the right questions and make me have a breakthrough and weep on the floor, because I would run my tongue along every tidbit of flesh they’d called theirs. I almost hate that it’s so easy though. In five minutes I can locate a place you don’t want to go.
Filed under: Blogroll
