A Collection of Spectacles

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The world seems depressing and oppressive at the moment. Last year seemed like five years crammed together into one. These platforms are monopolistic and I can’t escape them. People seem increasingly anti-sex. My dad could use donations, but of course these useless academics are nowhere to be found.

Every classmate in high school who told me not to change became really close minded.

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I’m an idiot who can’t stop thinking about fucking in the park while kids film us and fucking to video games but missing the details and fucking on a bench before a car drives away because I’m too loud and fucking in the grass while my knees hurt and making you roll while I suck your dick and cumming in your bed before your dad texts you because I’m too loud and

K and I are doing better but I’m not sure when he’ll marry me. Another Christmas with my Christian family and their expectations. My cousin got me a slip last year like I’m not doing enough to fuck my boyfriend or something.

I’m wound up too tight too sexual too motivated by my pussy but too disgusted by most people to care enough and pursue it. This guy keeps texting me but couldn’t even keep his dick hard so what do I need him for? He makes 2004 style jokes about my “white” voice but is lighter than me, and he turns down the songs I wanna play because it’s all murder music.

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The person that you have to be to be anything in this world is gross

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Writing this free form with a shitty internet connection in Prague

I am trying to change my perception of and relation to aging. Maybe the wrinkles forming on the side of my mouth are indicative of a history of laugher. These Europeans love to get me drunk. 

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I keep making the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over and over

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A few weeks ago, K and I decided to split a tab a friend gave to us as a thank you for letting them stay over. I knew I would feel something, but I thought I’d be able to control it since I can typically function even on hallucinogens.

Hours later, the room is spinning and I can’t stop from laugh-crying. We invite our friends over to do some spell and I agree though I’m not very spiritual. K is the king for it and I’m the queen. He has to give me something that represents his staff and I’m left to rule over the kingdom he’s left behind. I complain about how phallic this all is.

I always thought I wanted to be a writer or a psychologist and later a theorist but getting back into the grinder of academia makes me realize why I left. Grad school is fine, though frustratingly saturated with older liberals.  Still, they’re way more fun to introduce ideas to than the “already enlightened,” who are too stuck in their ways.  After getting deep in the art/academia world, I’ve realized that I fucking hate some of these people. Dying a nobody instead of a wiki page seems like a wet dream.

*****

“The boys I mean are not refined.” They’re precious and jealous and endlessly cruel. They’re sick and arrogant but charming and sweet, though less in a nectarious way and more like a knife pressed to my throat that I long for. If I’m to be complexly honest, I’ve thought about slitting his throat in his sleep for all the times he’s painted me a hysteric.

You can only be born once and we’re all limited by the time we were brought up in. Collective memories forever inscribed upon our flesh. I feel stuck, endlessly doomed to wage war in my relationships because my partners trivialize my feelings and can’t handle me. Even when it’s good, it still goes to shit because I’ve preemptively sexualized strife between us.

 

 

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A series of depressing dreams

I’m hooking up with this girl from college, some soft butch I’m not actually attracted to in reality. I’m trying to eat her out and she stops me and just keeps asking what I’m doing and if I know what I’m doing.

I wrote him a going away letter and then lost it, but I don’t realize this until I’m supposed to give it to him. I get sweaty and nervous as I rummage through my bag.

K thinks his work check is going to be for some large amount but it’s actually for a fraction. I’m upset and disappointed because I was depending on him but when I voice my frustration, we begin to argue.

 

 

I don’t really want to let go. I’m a fool and I’m always underselling my emotions to you so why would you think this time was any different?  Why wouldn’t you just wait a week till I folded like I always do?

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I feel like I’m never going to find a relationship where the glue that holds us together is a willingness to examine the man’s sexual inadequacy ever again.

There’s a limit to how willing I am to change and become less maladaptive. It’s why I left my last therapist. Not Peter, but Nicole. I can’t remember if I’ve spoken about her here. It’s been so long.

Life is getting better, I guess. In a Master’s program now and I can play the grown up game ok for a whore. But the older I get, the more apparent the fork in the road becomes. The better part of me knows I should probably forgo at least some of my once previously held lifelong goals in order to curb my more salacious desires.

When I say I hate you part of me means it but you know it’s mainly a paper thin bluff because in actuality I owe you a lot for forcing me to rethink my entire schema. I never knew how far I would push myself just to cum.

I wish I could be a regular bitch and have a boring life and a normal job and a husband I really love. Some guy with the courage to smile at me in class or something. After a few years, we throw a housewarming party to placate my family. We save up to get a car and argue over who should cut the grass next. After years of blissful mediocrity, he has a one night stand with some drunk woman at a bar and though I’m devastated, I take him back because when he tells me about it, I see tears glisten in his eyes.

 

 

 

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I bought a sleep aid from Duane Reade today around 9:30 am. I got off from work after seeing some dude with a really small curved dick right before. I couldn’t make myself pretend like I had a gag reflex.

I’m tired of trying to make men feel self important. I wanna call you disgusting to your face. They stopped selling dxm when I was in high school so I don’t even know whats in this pill I’ve taken, but at least I have enough courage to visit this.

*****

I started this post five days ago and I’m trying to finish it now. I started writing, “I wanna say that I can’t stand men, but I’ve pivoted away from gender essentialism over the years,” but now that I’ve reread the paragraph above, I’ve realized how full of shit I am. He always says that the future is something that we can’t describe because the language for it doesn’t exist right now.

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Domming in 2018

“What about if I take you out to the park with my boots all muddy and make you lick them while you kneel in public?”

”I don’t wanna end up viral.”

”Fair enough.”

*****

I’m on my knees watching you breathe heavily. I’m trying to flick my tongue around and take my time because out of the hundreds of girls who wish they were me right now, I feel like I’m the only one who wants to watch you pant and sigh. This moment feels like a well earned eternity, blissfull and saccharine. Yet after releasing a steady stream of cum in me, you start sobbing violently and my body runs cold. Later, sitting on the couch after everything has settled and cooled, you ask if I think you have ptsd.

I can’t even think of how many times and ways I’ve examined every encounter endlessly, observing and gathering information in order to maybe try and answer why this happens when it does, but instead I choke up like I always do and say, “from what,” even though I know what from. I don’t think words exist yet to describe how I feel, but I hope everyone feels something this bittersweet at least once.

 

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Remember when I used to play with my hair while you fucked me and that alone could make you cum?

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