A Collection of Spectacles

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i wrote this post once and then lost it to crappy internet service. i hate re-writing things. they’re never as great the second time.

i’ve had the worst fantasies lately. by “worst” i mean ones that are particularly interesting and exciting for me but that are deemed socially obscene and unthinkable.

i’m wide awake so i know better than to go into detail about them but let’s just say one involves a roll of duct tape a bag of clothespins a chair a tray of ice cubes meyou a rendezvous (aka an empty room where no one can hear you screammmmmm)

strip

i say,

you’re going to feel embarrassment like you’ve never felt before. you’re going to feel like a whole crowd is watching even though it’s just me. you’re going to cover the emotional spectrum everyinchofit but this shit’s not going to go from zero to sixty in a second. time. this is going to take time.”

MAKE IT BETTER.

I WISH TO BE HELD AND TOLD THAT I AM INTERESTING, THAT I DISPLAY SOME QUALITY THAT OTHERS IN YOUR LIFE DO NOT.

TELL ME THIS MEANS SOMETHING.

in the beginning, it’s going to feel horrible. excruciating. that’s the initial pain (the mind’s ohshitwhat’shappening?)before the flesh feels warm (when you’ve reached the plateau) and everything seems easier.

before i was stupid. i would let him love me freely, let him throw the word around and i would devour it like a dog who hasn’t figured out that his piece of meat is ripe with razors.

he loves too freely whereas i rarely love and mean it (at least outwardly) so this is why this has importance to me while it probably means nothing to him.

update:

i love you because you are horrible to me. hahahahaha. i have to stop laughing when i’m supposed to cry.

i hate being ignored. i’d rather just know. but this “not knowing” this void this gap this question mark is what upsets me most.

now you’re going to have to prove it.

(i’m desperately trying to feel as though i’m in control of something for once)

suffer to gain.

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2 Responses

  1. Claire Anne says:

    Hey, you 🙂

    1. You know I love you lots as well. Feelings are important.. and in all honesty, I don’t think i’d be who I am without you, Allie. Know that. Believe it or not, i’m so inspired (and envious) of your writing most of the time! Your writing is what inspires me to write, to strive for something. I feel like I can never compare, and that’s a quality only you possess. Enough of this sappy stuff, we’ll grow old togethah 😉

    2. My, my, so vulgar! I APPRECIATE YOUR LOVE FOR MY PHOTOGRAPHY! I really, really do. It makes me happy. 🙂 🙂 That’s why i’m saving up for a digital SLR camera! Haha. Sighhh, yes, hopefully I’ll have enough before I die lol.

    3. Your blog can be more gorgeouser than mine 😀 Dashboard >> Appearance or something, you’ll find a list of them. And once you click on dashboard they’re all options on the top of the page. And I adore cats, I’m pretty sad Jinga’s dead… I don’t think I can believe it lol.

    4. Man.. your first chapter was hard to continue too haha. It was just this intricately vague description of this girl.. and so nostalgically written. This novel will be beautiful.

    5. Getting to the ACTUAL post of yours.

    These fantasies of yours seem very intriguing / interesting at the same time, I want and don’t want to know.
    I think.. everyone wants to be loved in this world. People want to be k nown for something, they want to have something nobody else has. And I think when you finally find a lover, a soulmate, a partner.. suddenly in their eyes they can see the things that make you the most important and loved person in their universe, and same to you, and that’s just the magic of love, or supposedly.

    I’m happy you realized your semi-impulsive actions, you know I don’t mean to offend, i’m sorry if I did by saying impulsive. What you need.. I don’t think it’s control or power, I think you need closure the most. Closure is a wonderful, wonderful thing that you will soon get to experience. It’s the
    “Claire I don’t regret last summer, but I do regret what I did to you.”
    The closure to that gap of a relationship. It’s wonderful. Happens to everyone at some point, and it’s just great.
    Yeah, sorry I just ranted on about closure. You need it, my dear. And it’s up to him I believe. I know the waiting is horrible, I experienced a few months of it myself at a time.

    loveloveee, let’s hang out soon, k?

  2. littlepandamcelroy says:

    claire, you’re darling. really. i want to have your sensibility. i strive for that.

    YES YES WE’LL HANG.

    I JUST GOT AN IDEA. i could put the fantasy into the book(?) that way it’s socially acceptable. maybe. it gives the book a kinda gritty edge but ehhh…it would’ve happened eventually, i guess.

    i mean, i was kinda semi implusive. but i still kinda feel the same way. i have to see you to explain. thus us hanging out.

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