A Collection of Spectacles

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i can’t sleep a whole night through anymore.

i have headaches but no pills.

i might have to move up the road.

i told my mother, “if i stay, i’m unhappy. if i go, i’m unhappy. i’ll never win.”

this is the most heartfelt thing i think i’ve ever said to her.

she said nothing. for a long time. and then said, “eat up.”

jokingly. she always jokes now.

but this is not that easy. i hate how she states things like oh it’s a bad situation already. almost like saying it sucks now get over it.

and my dad says, “i would never do it because of how it would affect you but i could see myself taking my own life. just to end this constant pain.”

all the while she thinks we’re joking. she thinks she can laugh at shit.

i hate this. i want to be on my own so i’ll know my downfalls will be my own doing.

 i was going to put up art reproductions on the (now blank) wall in my room but i’m unmotivated. what’s the point if i might not be there later? nothing has purpose.

i stare at the blank wall every morning. it’s representative of something, i’m sure, but i don’t know what.

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One Response

  1. Claire Anne says:

    Oh Allie…
    I’m so sorry 😦

    If you ever need a place to stay,
    i’m here, always.

    And with all my heart I hope things get better for you.
    I feel so…selfish for being upset and wanting silly things, while you are unhappy. 😦
    The next time I see you, I will give you a very, very long hug.

    Love Claire

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