A Collection of Spectacles


so decent things don’t last forever.

i’m sorry for the fact that i spent so long trying to convince myself that i was more attached than i really was. it probably explains my previous confusion. i tried too hard to make myself feel a certain way because it was my obligatory duty (ignoring the fact that such matters, where feelings are concerned, defy obligations or logic). my mistake was that i tried to overanalyze matters of the heart and adapt my feelings to make everyone happy.

now, although i still don’t know exactly what i’m doing, i’m a little more willing to take things as they come.

i refuse to wait for anyone.

every year, new plants spring from frost (a living testament to the fact that life recycles itself) 

what i’ve really wanted may have been right there all along.

more later.

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i take it back.

i’m happy. i am.

because someone cares about me.

(like a record on loop spinning constantly end.less. revolutions)

and that’s always nice to have.

i miss him when we are apart and when together i dread the point at which he will leave and i will miss him


(i have to learn. to stop looking for more than what is given because what i have is beautiful enough)

i lived alone so i took him home,

he doesn’t love me but,

he keeps me company,

everything’s alright.”

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sometimes i’m not sure that i’ve made the right choices. i’m just. afraid that i’m trying . striving too hard to be recognized for having a certain status in this absurd  teenage  social order. that i’m trying so hard to amount to something in front of people that i’m sacrificing my own feelings. burying them to the point that i’m starting to think that wanting more is selfish.

“what more could you ask for?”

“everything. i want it all.”

and. in the midst of it all. i just want to be found admirably attractive.

i’m trying to change this chapter that i’m writing for this book that i’m writing with claire. i think it’s decent so far. i’m my own worst critic.

i always have this urge to throw myself at people. to make them want me so that i can have the option of denying them. in some self absorbed sadistic way i enjoy having that type of power. but then i realize it’s not in my nature. to deny people. so i try to accept everyone even when it’s not right for me to do so.

 and, underlying is the notion that, if i make everyone happy, my covertly devious mannerisms will just disappear.

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