A Collection of Spectacles

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sometimes i’m not sure that i’ve made the right choices. i’m just. afraid that i’m trying . striving too hard to be recognized for having a certain status in this absurd  teenage  social order. that i’m trying so hard to amount to something in front of people that i’m sacrificing my own feelings. burying them to the point that i’m starting to think that wanting more is selfish.

“what more could you ask for?”

“everything. i want it all.”

and. in the midst of it all. i just want to be found admirably attractive.

i’m trying to change this chapter that i’m writing for this book that i’m writing with claire. i think it’s decent so far. i’m my own worst critic.

i always have this urge to throw myself at people. to make them want me so that i can have the option of denying them. in some self absorbed sadistic way i enjoy having that type of power. but then i realize it’s not in my nature. to deny people. so i try to accept everyone even when it’s not right for me to do so.

 and, underlying is the notion that, if i make everyone happy, my covertly devious mannerisms will just disappear.

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2 Responses

  1. Claire Anne says:

    🙂 Thanks for the feedback.
    Sometimes I feel like i’m growing too fast. My mind.. my preferences.. and I’m not saying that just to sound all mature and adultish like some freshmen who thinks they are so cool with their white chai tea, sitting and chatting, waving her hand around.
    Oh, that went too far.
    Anyway,
    Yes, the motto I am trying to live by is.. Live and capture the moment. So many beautiful things…
    It’s just that when things are going so well for me in the present (obviously) my future is looking good as well. And then I start thinking about it, and it makes me even happier. I don’t know, i’m just ranting now.

    Hun..at this point in life, I don’t think choices are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. They’re more like, Take this path, and you will experience this, learn and grow. OR, take this path, and you will experience this and that, and grow as well.
    It’s all just part of the painful process that is called adolescence. Mmmm.

    Take your time on that chapter. I have no time whatsoever, so have fun.

    Starting to sound like Jenna there, lol. 😛 Just kidding. I think, from my experience…I know it’s cliche, but I seriously act like myself, and people will like you. You know better than to show off and try to get people to like you, and you know DAMN well you are attractive inside and out, and you can never ever deny that.

    Even ask Mr. Champagne! Remember his story today? Who knows… maybe, out there, each person in the world is connected spiritually to a tree, an animal, and a piece of the o-zone layer. And if one of us dies or is found insignificant.. all those die as well. Wait–that sounds crazy, nevermind. bad metaphor.

    I love you Allie Mason 😀

  2. i love you too claire anne.

    you make me cry because your soul is beautiful.

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