A Collection of Spectacles

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i know. i keep posting every two seconds but i have a lot to say. 

i’m going to change myself. 

i mean, i’m going to try and fix the flaws i have.

i told my parents today that they can’t treat me like shit anymore. i have the choice to go take a walk, to go lock myself in my room. i’m going to be 18 soon. they can’t expect me to sit there silently all the time. 

and the other thing? issue, whatever. it just is. it’s completely not up to me anymore and i don’t care. i was nice. i did my part. i asked something the other day. no response. just wanted to show i’m not a shitty person. i’m not a shitty friend.

i don’t know if you even remember this but you asked me once if i’d written anything about you (i said i hadn’t, something like that. that was the truth at the time). now i do. you’re like the indelible muse. 

i wonder if the favor has ever been returned. 

you asked me to write something for you. i wonder if you kept it. i mean, i thought it was shitty. i still think it’s a sappy odd piece of crap but i wonder if you saved it somewhere. i think i told someone else that you had said that and that it was kinda weird but i really thought it was cool because it was kinda weird. because it was the weird type of thing that i would’ve done too. i had this feeling deep inside that we had the same quirks that i could be my odd little self around you say offbeat things call at odd hours and that it would be alright. 

now i’m starting to question that. i’m starting to think i was horribly wrong all along. 

you seem to like me more when i act like you’re nothing but when i stop doing that i feel like you don’t want anything to do with me. 

on a side note, if you find a de sade book, it’s mine. can i have it back? 

this is strange, that i talk through this. normal people don’t do this shit. i’d say this by phone or something but i feel like you wouldn’t accept that call. in fact, i don’t want to even try for fear that you might not. i feel like a nuisance a fly in your ear a mosquito on your leg. it’s okay. just thought i’d try caring again.

i just, kinda wanna talk it out. really. please. then it’ll be completely out of my system. i realized that’s what i need to really consider it a closed chapter. open offer. take it or leave it.

****

i really have problems with confronting people and with expressing myself in person. i’m stubborn. one of my biggest fears is appearing inferior or inadequate or weak. i change my mind often, as far as my feelings about people are concerned. i enjoy attention (sometimes to an annoying degree). 

i know i’m also a nice person who tries to be fair and who doesn’t really hold grudges unless the offense is serious. i try really hard to be decent towards everybody. if i care about you, i’ll let you know it. 

i don’t have to simply accept anyone’s treatment of me if i think it’s unfair. i’m going to try and be a little more vocal. 

see? i’m trying to admit things.

****

edit: i keep going back and adding/changing things on this one. i’m trying to say that this is the last post for a while before i force myself to get my shit together and start feeling better.

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