A Collection of Spectacles

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I’m in the city, officially. It’s simply amazing. Had a period of initial shell-shock, but I’m getting over that rather quickly. I just have to figure out where the fuck I’m going half the time, but that too is getting better. 

Classes have started.

Every time I miss the target (and shit, it’s like I’ve thrown a dart that’s travelled in the wrong direction) I become less interested in the whole notion. When I try to feel things without really caring, I end up surrounded by people, but as emotionless and apathetic as when I’m alone. When someone changes my mind and I decide to reluctantly (always reluctantly, as I’m apprehensive about falling face first) form attachment, it seems to lead to disappointment. But, it seems that the unfortunate taste that accompanies this feeling is constantly coating my throat, and it’s becoming less acceptable. Melancholy mixed with hopelessness (a common side-effect) is now turning into sadness mixed with exasperation. 

Knowing that I can’t control the actions of others, that I can’t sway your emotions, is a source of constant discomfort. I’m reading the same sentences over. It’s like examining wreckage from a disaster. While they make sense, they are unsatisfying at the same time. I’m starting to piece together a bleak past.

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One Response

  1. talkingbird123 says:

    Oh allie ❤ my heart feels you.

    I asked someone the other day the following: What's the point of trapping someone? The whole point is to have choice.

    It's choice that makes life beautiful, not controlling it. I think you understand me.

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