A Collection of Spectacles

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Experiments in unedited rants (part two).

So I was sitting here yesterday on the top bunk (my own little world) and trying to free-write about what’s been happening to me lately when my roommate started talking about how annoying it is when her friends ask her, “how’s the city?” because she doesn’t know what to say. Although I think it’s great here, she talks about how she doesn’t want to do anything but drop out of art school and join a circus. Everyone brainstorms about what she might be able to do, because it has to be something that doesn’t require too much physical activity or effort, since that would take all the fun out of being in a circus.

She goes, “I don’t want to be anything, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” I understand. “But, what’s the alternative?” 

“Doing nothing.”

I agree, because doing nothing is pretty fucking awesome. 

Now I’m learning all these things. This school makes me go through mental exercises. I can trace your synapses back to before your first introduction to light, but I still can’t seem to make unquantifiable things happen. This world is not propelled by will alone. On Friday it was good and, flustered, he looked and I looked and for some reason I nodded slowly, agreeing to something that can’t be understood. On Saturday, it was different and we talked forever, but came to no concrete conclusion, only that I am a coy distraction (a step below what I want to be, which is a persuasive deterrent) but I still got a kiss before I left. I’m untrustworthy because I know a lot of people, but desperate because I don’t want to hang out with all of them. These are among some of his complaints. And I am investing too much and he loves [ ] and I am small and childish and I started All the Kings Horses wondering if he gave it to me because I’m a silly jeune fille but we were talking about boredom at the time which he blames on this american garbage and I’m only halfway through the book at this point so we’ll see.

At the end of it all, or at some point through it, it all comes back to whether I’m worth knowing (because if I’m not, I should go elsewhere). The answer is always yes.

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2 Responses

  1. Claire Anne says:

    Always yes.

    I’ve found so many beautiful places that you would love to see. I sat in this suspended wooden bridge over a forest ravine and listened to music and wrote in my notebook for an hour and a half.

    I miss just sitting on benches and talking and enjoying each other’s company. And driving you home.

    You must come visit again!

  2. talkingbird123 says:

    I agree. You are always worth knowing even if you can’t see it or he can’t see it. Sometimes it’s not about seeing, or understanding, sometimes it’s just a feeling that turns into a knowing.

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