A Collection of Spectacles

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Delirious free writing exercise that will probably have typos:

I’m in Europe again. I’ve been up a day. How many times have I been here and lamented over people who aren’t even in my life anymore? It’s a waste of time. My best friend blocked me on everything and it hurts so bad, worse than anyone romantic leaving me. I can’t stand how little I care about my career or school because that stuff comes easy for me, but I’m always lovesick. I let you in and dropped my guard and you gave me hope and I know there’s a time difference but I can’t wait around with this anticipation that will give me ulcers. I want to fence myself in again, it’s too vulnerable so I should hide. I want to stop getting hurt and appreciated in hindsight. Feels like I’m always vying for attention before the person realizes I’m special, which is self destructive. I remember being that age, and I look back on how absent minded, short sighted, and impulsive I was so I don’t know why I…I’m so mad at myself for sitting in a sauna halfway around the world and wasting time wondering about people who really don’t give a fuck about me. Don’t you want to fuck around on a park bench, everywhere, whatever. Someone read through all the posts in this diary but I’ll never know who and it’s never who I want. Made a new friend out here but I can barely recognize it. Looking backwards, obsessed with the past is always to the detriment of something in the present. Smart and cool are great things to be but they don’t get you affection. A female libertine, how rare. I’ve heard this all before, yet no one seems to make rare synonymous with special treatment. What an angry shitpost. I’m sick of myself.

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