A Collection of Spectacles

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Dream:

my cousin came back from virginia. i was able to bring him around to everyone and i was more content than i have been in a while because i wasn’t preoccupied with acting how everyone wants me to act.  

i picked up the phone. i was asked to have dinner at two in the afternoon. but seeing everything again bothered me.

  ***

in a half awake dreamlike stupor i figured out all the commonalities. the coincidences. then it all made sense. i wondered

       is life just a pattern of such things?

I just. don’t understand. people can be selfish by nature.

when i leave my house and go out on my own, i will be truly alone. i will have no place of worth to come back to. i will have to create everything i want for myself.

sometimes i think that if i could i would set fire to this. i would.

good sleep might “fix” things but i don’t have decent nights. again.

remember when i was hurt and brought down the stairs? you were only bothered by the fact that i was bothering you. except. that was the whole point. that was my goal the whole time. 

i should stop. i’m in an unusually needy mood.

at the same time i’m experiencing a frank indifference towards things.

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