A Collection of Spectacles

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Plans, plans, plans: I might move out during the summer and go split up my time between my Grandma and aunt in Brooklyn. My parents recently “gave up,” said I can come and go as I please, pretty much. It doesn’t matter really though. I still want to get out asap. Yeah, so I might hang home for a while after graduation and then head out. Try and secure a job in the city for when I’m in college. I’ll come back to NJ for a week at a time here and there and spend it with my friends at their houses.  

I’m putting my deposit down after next week. I’m more set on this than anything else at the moment. Then, there’s housing (13th Street, Stuyvesant Park, William Street are the choices). They took out the Union Square dorms which would’ve been fucking awesome but whatever. 

A combined BA/BFA program with Parsons? Maybe? If I want to take the risk and put all my energy into liberal arts. 

I need to stop thinking.

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i wish i possessed the ability to look inside myself and piece together one unified whole. currently, the space that holds each part separate is filled with doubt, uncertainty, and a certain amount of contempt towards the future. i am anxious. i’m having trouble waiting. i want things to be different. yet, i’m dreading it at the same time. 

attaining what you want most in life requires that you openly allow what you’re asking for to happen. inside there is still a small trace of reluctance and this could be the cause of everything. 

or. maybe. 

i don’t have conventional expectations. it’s possible that i’m trying to fit myself into a lifelike reenactment of some offbeat play that depicts exactly what i think i should experience.

i enjoy flirting with debauchery from time to time. i like having small doses of instability in my life. thus, i secretly long for the type of person who possesses the ability to push me to my emotional brink but, of course, obtaining this unique brand of affection can have horrible consequences. forcing myself towards some sort of standard doesn’t work either. i end up more vacant than when i began. the current remedy is to do nothing, pocket away my passion, and smother it until it turns into nonchalance. i’m aware of the fact that the options i’ve currently placed before myself don’t solve anything. 

i did, however, lose my appetite today. maybe this is a sign. 

claire told me about the nature of butterflies.

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