A Collection of Spectacles

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Experiments in unedited rants (part two).

So I was sitting here yesterday on the top bunk (my own little world) and trying to free-write about what’s been happening to me lately when my roommate started talking about how annoying it is when her friends ask her, “how’s the city?” because she doesn’t know what to say. Although I think it’s great here, she talks about how she doesn’t want to do anything but drop out of art school and join a circus. Everyone brainstorms about what she might be able to do, because it has to be something that doesn’t require too much physical activity or effort, since that would take all the fun out of being in a circus.

She goes, “I don’t want to be anything, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” I understand. “But, what’s the alternative?” 

“Doing nothing.”

I agree, because doing nothing is pretty fucking awesome. 

Now I’m learning all these things. This school makes me go through mental exercises. I can trace your synapses back to before your first introduction to light, but I still can’t seem to make unquantifiable things happen. This world is not propelled by will alone. On Friday it was good and, flustered, he looked and I looked and for some reason I nodded slowly, agreeing to something that can’t be understood. On Saturday, it was different and we talked forever, but came to no concrete conclusion, only that I am a coy distraction (a step below what I want to be, which is a persuasive deterrent) but I still got a kiss before I left. I’m untrustworthy because I know a lot of people, but desperate because I don’t want to hang out with all of them. These are among some of his complaints. And I am investing too much and he loves [ ] and I am small and childish and I started All the Kings Horses wondering if he gave it to me because I’m a silly jeune fille but we were talking about boredom at the time which he blames on this american garbage and I’m only halfway through the book at this point so we’ll see.

At the end of it all, or at some point through it, it all comes back to whether I’m worth knowing (because if I’m not, I should go elsewhere). The answer is always yes.

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Small change:

I retracted my application to Penn State. I was almost done with it, but I realized that I didn’t want to spend money and apply to a school that I’m pretty sure I’m not going to attend. Instead, I added Eugene Lang College, (I keep thinking of the actor, Eugene Levy) which is a really small liberal arts school in Greenwich Village. The school seems a little “new” (it’s actually called the new school for liberal arts) which can be bad as well as good, so I might not go there, but it’s nice to have another option. Other choices include (aka where I’ve applied): Emerson, NYU, Hunter, The City College of New York. If I go to one of the CUNY’s, I’ll apply for the honors program, probably my second year there. I plan on studying either Journalism, Communications, or some sort of social science that I can apply to writing.  

blah blah blahhh. 

The other day, in Philosophy, my teacher made everyone in class write notes to ourselves. Next year, in December, she’s going to mail them out. I kind of didn’t know what to do, because I’m pretty sure that my parents are moving when I go. I guess this blog is my “time capsule” then. 

Thinking about the future is kind of scary.

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