A Collection of Spectacles

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Experimenting. This isn’t as seamless as I’d like it to be though.

I drift off to sleep. It’s what I do when I’m bored, or lazy, or depressed. I start class, Intro to Psych, and I am unbearably unhappy. The scene changes quickly. I keep following my friend around and I ask her to hang out. When we finally plan something concrete, I accidentally ditch her. The whole time, I keep thinking about how college is going to change me. How can I do things differently? The radio sings something softly in the background, but it’s neither comforting, nor reassuring. I made a few phone calls the other day. I’m starting sessions with a man named Peter on Thursday at seven o’clock. I’ve found that older women annoy me. I feel a great urge to be as unfeeling as possible around them. Around men, I cry. Does that mean I’m doing something wrong?

I start class, Intro to Psych, and I am unbearably unhappy. The whole time, I keep thinking about how college is going to change me. Does that mean I’m doing something wrong? I made a few phone calls the other day. It’s what I do when I’m bored, or lazy, or depressed. I keep following my friend around and I ask her to hang out. When we finally plan something concrete, I accidentally ditch her.  I’ve found that older women annoy me. The radio sings something softly in the background, but it’s neither comforting, nor reassuring. I drift off to sleep. The scene changes quickly. I’m starting sessions with a man named Peter on Thursday at seven o’clock. Around men, I cry. I feel a great urge to be as unfeeling as possible around them.  How can I do things differently?

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everything i try to forget in my daily life rises to the surface in dreams:

i am at a dimly lit party (or is it a familiar house? i can’t tell).

[the beginning scenes are absent, due to an unreliable memory]

there is loud, constant, chatter. you turn your back towards me, and i can clearly see that it is covered in a million minor afflictions. i am slightly taken aback but not for long. i understand. you ask something about giving me similar lacerations and i agree, somewhat reluctantly. 

these events do not play out as melodramatic; something is still lighthearted about it all.

i was willing to suffer physical discomfort in order to prove some twisted logic (the particulars of which escape me at the moment) because when my affection is taken and stripped down to its most organic form, it tends to scoff at moderation and sensibility. 

Seeing blood in dreams can represent many things:

“If you see someone else bleeding, you are concerned about your friend. Dreaming about bleeding always points to the emotional wounds that you don’t acknowledge.”

” Some believe that when you see blood in your dream, the distressing situation in your life which is at the root of the dream has come to an end, and the worst is over. “

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Dream:

my cousin came back from virginia. i was able to bring him around to everyone and i was more content than i have been in a while because i wasn’t preoccupied with acting how everyone wants me to act.  

i picked up the phone. i was asked to have dinner at two in the afternoon. but seeing everything again bothered me.

  ***

in a half awake dreamlike stupor i figured out all the commonalities. the coincidences. then it all made sense. i wondered

       is life just a pattern of such things?

I just. don’t understand. people can be selfish by nature.

when i leave my house and go out on my own, i will be truly alone. i will have no place of worth to come back to. i will have to create everything i want for myself.

sometimes i think that if i could i would set fire to this. i would.

good sleep might “fix” things but i don’t have decent nights. again.

remember when i was hurt and brought down the stairs? you were only bothered by the fact that i was bothering you. except. that was the whole point. that was my goal the whole time. 

i should stop. i’m in an unusually needy mood.

at the same time i’m experiencing a frank indifference towards things.

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