A Collection of Spectacles

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I’m so angered. I spent a majority of my years thinking I was fucking crazy. I committed myself to therapy what seems like a forever ago, and found out I’m anything but. And now. What he said I should continue to address is what’s confronting me right now. Man had good insight, who would’ve thought.

I’m tired of trying to prove to everyone that I’m not [ ] and I don’t think [ ], that I may seem like suchandsuch and whatever, which is true, but also not.

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I’m in the city, officially. It’s simply amazing. Had a period of initial shell-shock, but I’m getting over that rather quickly. I just have to figure out where the fuck I’m going half the time, but that too is getting better. 

Classes have started.

Every time I miss the target (and shit, it’s like I’ve thrown a dart that’s travelled in the wrong direction) I become less interested in the whole notion. When I try to feel things without really caring, I end up surrounded by people, but as emotionless and apathetic as when I’m alone. When someone changes my mind and I decide to reluctantly (always reluctantly, as I’m apprehensive about falling face first) form attachment, it seems to lead to disappointment. But, it seems that the unfortunate taste that accompanies this feeling is constantly coating my throat, and it’s becoming less acceptable. Melancholy mixed with hopelessness (a common side-effect) is now turning into sadness mixed with exasperation. 

Knowing that I can’t control the actions of others, that I can’t sway your emotions, is a source of constant discomfort. I’m reading the same sentences over. It’s like examining wreckage from a disaster. While they make sense, they are unsatisfying at the same time. I’m starting to piece together a bleak past.

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Small change:

I retracted my application to Penn State. I was almost done with it, but I realized that I didn’t want to spend money and apply to a school that I’m pretty sure I’m not going to attend. Instead, I added Eugene Lang College, (I keep thinking of the actor, Eugene Levy) which is a really small liberal arts school in Greenwich Village. The school seems a little “new” (it’s actually called the new school for liberal arts) which can be bad as well as good, so I might not go there, but it’s nice to have another option. Other choices include (aka where I’ve applied): Emerson, NYU, Hunter, The City College of New York. If I go to one of the CUNY’s, I’ll apply for the honors program, probably my second year there. I plan on studying either Journalism, Communications, or some sort of social science that I can apply to writing.  

blah blah blahhh. 

The other day, in Philosophy, my teacher made everyone in class write notes to ourselves. Next year, in December, she’s going to mail them out. I kind of didn’t know what to do, because I’m pretty sure that my parents are moving when I go. I guess this blog is my “time capsule” then. 

Thinking about the future is kind of scary.

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